Pretzels In My Head

Exactly one year ago, I did something that I now consider to be the biggest mistake of my life. I left the country to look for a decent job in Singapore as a tourist. I practically have nothing when I went there. No money, no job, nothing. The only thing I have was a promise by someone that everything will be ok. For I will be with that someone whom I could rely on, someone that will take care of everything for the time-being, until I am able to get back on my feet. But that someone already had something else in mind, with me unaware of it. I walked into a trap and it got me…

And now the countdown begins, for 27 days later, it will be the day that steered my life to the direction that entirely changed the way I live. It will be THAT day that changed my life forever…

It will be the beginning of hate and anger…

For the past 7 1/2 months, my life has been covered with darkness and sorrow.  I occasionally get out of my comfort zone to be with my friends and family, just to temporarily ease out the pain in my heart. Worked out in the gym everyday to tire myself physically, so that once I got home, my mind and body is already too tired to think and reminisce of things that will only give me emotional stings. My life has been like that, until recently.

The time for grievance had already passed. I can finally say that I had moved on. Finally, I again allowed the sun to shine down upon me, with a smile on my face.

I know some people will have a hard time understanding my recent decisions, but this is where I found my new happiness, this is where I found my peace and comfort. Troubles will surely come my way, but I am not afraid to face them, knowing that I am no longer facing them alone. It will surely be tough, but long as I am sincere about how I feel, with no trace of regret and impure thoughts, I know I’ll get by.

So to all the people who understood and never got tired of listening, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You guys are the reason why I am now looking at each day in a positive perspective.

sumtyms wen u say “im okay”..

u want sum1 2 luk u in d eyes..

hug u tight nd say..

“i know ur not..”

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“if you love what you’re doing, you’ll never get bored”

same with..

“if you love that someone, you’ll never get tired”

cliche but bites..

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if we fall in love because someone makes us laugh,

what happens when we no longer find them funny?

if we fall in love because someone is beautiful,

what happens when that beauty fades?

if we fall in love because someone can provide for us,

what happens when they lose their wealth?

LOVE defines all reasons..

when you truly love someone, you don’t need reasons..

you simply fall in love..

Lately, you’ve been running through my mind. The hard part about it is that, my mind says I hate you, but my heart says the exact opposite thing. Thus, making me confused. It’s been a while since my heart and mind were in a disagreement over something. Random sleepless nights and frequent visits to “La-La” land while at work are some of the effects of this continuing battle inside me. The situation is still controllable though, but I don’t know until when.

I am hesitant to make the first move, for the first time in my life, I am afraid. It was only recently that I’ve been severely hurt by someone and maybe that’s the reason why my body just simply freezes whenever I try to execute my move. I am too damn afraid.

So how will I be able to handle this confusion? Should I pursue what my heart says I should do? Or should I follow my mind and just turn my back and run as far away as possible from you? I’m hoping you could give me a hint so that things will be easier for me to figure out, but I guess you won’t since you don’t even know what I’m going through right now because of you.

Last night was probably the best damn night of my life. I was part of a historical event that will be definitely cherished in the years to come. The Eraserheads’ Final Set Concert. The event was held at the Mall Of Asia Concert Grounds, which is just beside E-Com Centre where our office is located. Together with my officemates and friends, we watched and sang along with the Philippines’ “Fab Four” as they play some of their greatest hits for one last time.

Earlier, I was really not planning to watch the said event for I have a previous committment with a friend, but that didn’t pushed through so I just decided to hit the gym to kill time (and fats of course), and then I asked my friend Cary to buy me a ticket so that I could watch the concert with them. I bought the “Bronze” ticket which was priced at 300php. The cheapest one of course since the next higher priced ticket was at 1300php.

It was almost 8:30pm and the place was jam packed with fans from all walks of life. What I noticed is the age bracket of the fans. Most of the fans that went to see the concert are obviously within my age bracket, or maybe even older. Well that’s an understandable fact since the EHEADS’ heyday was during the late 90’s. I remember I was about to graduate from Elementary when they first appeared in the music scene. Anyway, it was almost concert time and the crowd were shouting in excitement. Then, the countdown appeared in the monitors. The funny thing with this countdown was that they did not use numbers, instead, they used the Alphabet. Yes, the countdown started from the letter Z and when it reached the letter E, the music starts and the crowd roars.

The Awesome Foursome sang a total of 25 songs which includes hits like “Alapaap”, “Toyang”, “Magasin”, “Torpedo” and of course “Ang Huling El Bimbo”. Probably the most “awesome” performace for me was when Marcus Adoro sang “Huwag Mo Nang Itanong”. He gave it a Reggae twist and joked around with the lyrics a bit. Everyone was laughing and had a blast with the performance. Also, one of the highlights of the event is the gangs tribute to the late Francis M. who just recently passed away due to Leukemia, or Cancer of the Blood. As a tribute to the Master Rapper, they sang “SuperProxy” which originally, had Francis M in it, and they also played the chorus part of “Kaleidoscope World”. Ely then shouted “Mabuhay si Francis!”. Truly, we will surely miss you katukayo!

Lastly, they sang “Ang Huling El Bimbo”, and as the song was nearing it’s end, confetti started to pour down the stage and fireworks lit up the sky. Ely thanked the crowd and the four group hugged and then took a bow. The crowd cheered for finally, they saw the four “together”, literally and figuratively. It was truly a historic moment.

Everyone started to move out of the venue when someone on stage kept on saying “Bitin ba? O Tawagin nyo si Marcus, Tawagin nyo si Buddy, Tawagin nyo si Raymund at pati na rin si Ely!” and what happened next? The awesome foursome went back to the stage and started to perform again. Everybody ran back to the venue and you know what the best part is? They allowed people from the Bronze area to move in to the Silver area! Talk about being generous!

The EHEADS played 3 more songs before calling it a night. And this time, it was real. Some fans were teary-eyed and honestly, I felt sad seeing the four go. But as the saying goes, “Good things must come to an end” and the EHEADS ended it with a huge bang. I will surely miss seeing the four of them together. The EHEADS had been a part of my younger days and I am proud to say that I belonged to a generation where they ruled.

Honestly, as I was watching the concert, memories of my High School days flashed before my eyes. I occassionaly smile when the EHEADS play the songs that me and my High School friends used to sing together. Definitely the best of times.

As I end this post, I would like to thank the Eraserheads for sharing their music to us. It truly brings back memories. They have become an Icon and have won the hearts of millions. And we, the fans, are eternally grateful to them for giving the “Last Hurrah” that each and every Eraserheads fan deserved to have. It may be saddening that we may no longer see the four of them together, but who knows?

MABUHAY ANG ERASERHEADS! MABUHAY KA ELY BUENDIA! MABUHAY KA REYMUND MARASIGAN! MABUHAY KA MARCUS ADORO! MABUHAY KA BUDDY ZABALA! MABUHAY KA FRANCIS MAGALONA! MARAMING SALAMAT SA MGA ALA-ALA!

We all have our egos. But some people choose to dispose of it for it drives away people who are the closest to them. Some can accept that side of yours, most will definitely not. For a while now, I’ve been struggling to fight against my ego. I’ve been fighting hard to control it, not to be controlled by it. I already knew what effect it would have to my social life if I let it out in the open and this time, I don’t want to lose the people around me. The people who are at the moment, the reason why I still choose to carry on and leave the pains of the past behind.

But is asking for just a piece of recognition, be considered as being egoistic? I promised myself before that I will no longer seek one, for it will not only leave a bad impression of me on some people, I might even lose my precious friends. Maybe I’m just too lonely at the moment and the egoistic side of me is using it as an opening to take over. *Sigh* God do I need a hug right now.

Had this ever occurred to you in which you are in a very familiar situation wherein you are sure that you are just being duped? Your thoughts are telling you things like “What have you gotten yourself into you idiot?!” and still you continue walking towards the end of the cliff and even jump off from it? It is like a situation wherein you very much know that you are being the “joke” of people in front of you and still you manage to smile and pretend that nothing is happening and everything is cool. Yes you have the option to get out from it but still you don’t want to. It’s not taking chances, but more like stupidity.

People give you ideas that are very easy to misinterpret. And this can lead to very very bad decisions. So bad in fact, that whenever you remember it, you just wanted to smash your head onto the wall in hopes that you’ll incurr temporary amnesia. You think that you are the one trying to accept a person, but in reality, it was you who that person cannot accept. And the worse part is, they do not even tell you why they can’t accept you. So you are left hanging.. again..

But there is a limit to everything. You may committ the same mistake maybe one, two, or even more than twenty times, but not actually learning from it is just downright stupidity. That is where your limit breaks. Believe me, I learned it the hard way, but I am not infuriated nor in a cursing attitude. I admit that it was my fault, I allowed myself to be duped, but I learned a lot like, some things never click if one of the involved parties never had the intention to make it click in the first place.. Makes sense?

Bitter I am not, but I believe in Karma. It may not be now, it may not be tomorrow, but surely, Karma will catch up and possibly lay down the good ol whip on you a hundred times fold.  So instead of being furious, it is replaced by pity. For I know that in the not-so-distant future, what you have now will surely drift away and you will be left with nothing. Everything has its limits, and I have already reached mine. Good Riddance.

Just got home from a small “get together” with my former co-teachers. We accidentally bumped into each other while I was on my way home. They visited one of our colleagues and they asked me to join them after an hour. I agreed and went home after some brief chit chat. I then went to their place after more than an hour and I saw them standing in front of the gate, so I hurriedly walked to their spot since there were a lot of people in the area.

After some time, we were able to sit down and had some brief laughs about random things. There were some quiet moments since it’s been 3 years since we last talked to each other, but they started asking questions as to how I was and how “thin” I have become, which made me smile of course, for it means that my “sacrifices” are paying off. I told them where I currently work and what my job is, I also told them my job hunting spree in Singapore, but not too much details about it. As it was becoming late, they asked one of our co-teacher to perform a fortune telling on me. I then asked if she would want to since there are some questions in my mind that I just wanted to clear out. She agreed and started to shuffle an ordinary deck of playing cards.

She first asked me to randomly pick 3 cards from the deck and turn them face down on the table. Soon as I was able to pick my cards, she turned them face up and placed one of the cards on the middle of the table. It was a Jack of Hearts which symbolizes me as being in love. She returned the 2 other cards to the deck and started browsing them one by one. Everytime she flips a card, she smiles and say “in love ka no?”

When she had already looked at all the cards, she then shuffled it again and asked me to “cut” the deck into 3 parts and then make a wish. So that’s what I did. She browsed through the cards again and this time, she placed some cards on the table. After she had finished looking at the cards and putting some of it on the table, she shuffled the remaining cards and asked me to cut it again into 3 parts with me asking for the same wish again. This went on for another 2 turns until there are 4 set of 3 cards surrounding the Jack of Hearts in a cross pattern. These sides represented my past, present, future and career.

This time, she browsed through the remaining cards again and picked a number of cards and placed some of it in a straight diagonal line originating from the Jack Of Hearts. This represent things that are about to happen in my life. Then from the remaining cards in the deck, she picked a random number of cards and held them in her hand as if she was reading a book and she started to read my wish.

To sum everything up, what she has to say about my present is that bad luck is on my side because of a grudge that I am having with someone close to me. My past involves a forbidden love, my career being okay though there will be someone from my family who will be ill and I will be the one covering the expenses, though she said that money won’t be a problem as I will always find a way to get the amount that I need. My future then involves a budding relationship, and a shocking news that involves my “wife”. Finally, she said that what I had wished for has a 75% rate of not coming to a reality. She asked me if my wish was about a certain relationship, whether family or personal and I confirmed with a “Yes”. So what was my wish? You want to know? YOU WISH!

Honestly, I’ve been skeptic about this fortune telling until now. I then thanked my co-teacher and told her that all she said about my fortune was either correct, or I already have a hunch about it. But do I really have to believe it? We all know that we should not be living our lives based on someone who “guessed” our future but what I heard from her frightened me. We haven’t talked to each other for 3 years but the way she read my fortune, it was like we’ve been in constant communication with each other every single day. I am very much hoping that the shocking news that I am about to find out will not come true, but if ever it is, I will not be surprised as I already have a hunch about it.

There are times in our lives that we feel really down. Like the weight of the world is on our shoulders. We always think that we are the most unlucky person on earth and we oftentimes blame God for being unfair to us. When I went back to the Philippines last September 2008 from a job hunting spree in Singapore, I had the same feeling. I felt that life has been unfair to me. Even though family and friends tried to cheer me up, the heavy feeling inside my chest never went away. I always end up crying, simply because I couldn’t believe something like that could be done to me. But life indeed have it’s surprises. Now, almost 4 months had passed since “that day”, the weight I carry inside my heart is still there. Though there are times that my attention is diverted and I feel lighter, the heavy load still finds it way to pin me down. Especially when I am alone.

Now while checking the posts in our shoutbox at HGPinoy, one of my fellow moderator, Jeigra, posted a link to a youtube video. And that video is this:

Nick Vujici on Getting Back Up

Honestly, after watching that video, I felt warm and fuzzy all over. It gave me a realization that I am not as unfortunate like Nick, but yet he is full of positive outlook in life. He is very happy and contented with his life.  And I envy him. But what struck me the most is what Nick said when he had the chance to speak in front of numerous abled High School students..

“But I tell you there are some times in life, we fall down. You feel like you don’t have the strength to get back up. Do you think you have hope? Because I tell you, I’m down here. Face down and I have no arms or legs, it should be impossible for me to get back up, but it’s not. You see, I will try 100 times to get up, and if I fail 100 times, if I fail and give up do you think that I will never get up? No. But if I fail I try again, and again, and again. But I just want you to know this is not the end. It matters how you gonna finish. How you gonna finish strong? When you find that strength to get back up, like this…”

Just reading what he said doesn’t justify everything. You have to see the video to have a better view of what Nick wants us to realize. And after watching his video I realized that, no matter what happens, life may throw its weight around just to pin us down. But we will always find a way to get back up. No matter how impossible it may seem, no matter how hard it will be. We can stand up if we want to, if we believe in ourselves that we can.

Thanks Nick for making me realize that I should appreciate everything that I have right now and all that is left of me. Thank you for inspiring people like me and I hope that you continue to inspire millions, to always look at the positive things in life. And I pray that may God continue to shower his blessings on you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.